I wish I could say that the only one my addiction hurt was myself, but I know that’s not true. You were there. You were there every step of the way, even when I didn’t want it. Through sleepless nights, tears, and so much prayer, you hoped that I would change. But all of this stress didn’t only affect you.
I hurt everyone – Dad, Matt, and Allie – all of them had to watch and suffer. I was just blind to it all at the time. I only cared about taking that next hit. I ignored everything else, only caring about myself and my next high. All you wanted to do was help me, but I kept pushing you away the more you tried. I wasn’t acting like a son to you, and I didn’t even care. I didn’t care about anything but the drugs.
Every single time I hurt you, it got a lot easier. I remember sneaking the credit card from your purse. You didn’t realize what had happened until you got the bill at the end of the month.
Remembering that makes me so ashamed. Believe me I plan to repay you every last cent. I manipulated you, more than anyone, more than myself. I could always tell when I was pushing your buttons but I knew deep down that no matter what I did, you would still accept me. All I wanted was the fix. I was supposed to come over to dinner that one night, because I was going to talk to you and dad about my problem.
I told myself over and over again that I would be there.You had dinner ready, but I didn’t come. I never told you why, but I was passed out in my apartment. You of course, were worried, so you came to find me. And then what? You found me. You found me in a bad state, all the evidence of the night before draped around the room. I heard you crying and I just got angry. I said some nasty things and made you leave.
Mom, I’m sorry.
You wanted to make sure that you still had a son left, that I was alive. I was alive, but I really wasn’t living. You were always there for me, I see that now. I took you for granted. All I cared about was myself and my ‘needs’. I didn’t want to you to be sad, so I would fake more smiles and just tell you what you wanted to hear. Little did I know that these moments made it worse for you, because you saw through it all.
I was the reason behind your pain. It was me, the whole time. I let you down, I made you suffer. It took me way too long to realize. The worst part was that you didn’t know what to do. No one prepares for the time when their son becomes a drug addict. No one gives you a parenting manual showing you how to cure your kids.
But Mom, you’re so strong that you eventually found a way. You got me into recovery. You made me change my life. I am so sorry that it took me this long to get better and that you had to be dragged along for the journey.
I wish I could hit the undo button and not have hurt you at all.
I can give you one thing though. I can give you a promise that I will stay true to my recovery. I will not let the darkness get me again.
I owe my life to you. If you hadn’t gotten me into recovery, I know I wouldn’t be here today.
I have nothing but gratitude towards you for my new life, my new start. You were my pillar in the bad times and you will continue to be my beacon of light. I wish I could take back all the years of torment that I put you through, but it’s just not possible. The best that I can do is show up for you now and be the best son that I can be with my sobriety. I promise that I will.
I love you, Steven
“I wasn’t acting like a son to you, and I didn’t even care. I didn’t care about anything but the drugs.”
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